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From koham
Revision as of 23:59, 19 May 2022 by Soham (talk | contribs) (Thank you for the courage and all the help)
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All I needed from you was couple of your words. Nothing too much. Just couple of your words directed at me. I believe that would have been enough to give me the drive to make necessary changes quickly. Not much, only couple of words, really. It is not that you don't know - you deprived me of exactly those things that I needed. I needed your help so much, so deperately, but seeing what was the most you could do, I found fault in me to even ask you for help.

I feel so low for begging you to stay, begging you for love, begging you for life force - to give me your hand and pull me out, even a little out, of the hell I was in, because I could not do it on my own and nobody but you alone could have pulled me out. Pulled me out enough for me to get the strength to do something about myself. And then I saw the maximum you could do; and I felt ashamed that I asked. Knowing what you went through because of me and still hoping for something from you - madness, is it not?

I am not trying to induce guilt. I waited long enough for that phase to pass. Nor I wanted from you was pity. And one of most painful wound I inflincted on myself was being clingy. Any hurts I got, I inflicted them upon myself. You seem to have no idea, really. Yet I came without ego - really. Dropping all pride and standing bare in front of you. So you could even know the worst of me, me at my most bottom.

However, it seems that was not enough. I am not sure why you did not reply to any of the emails, or give me something real and tangible to work with. I suspect, and this is my opinion of course, is that you had some fear surrounding opening up to me - mostly due to how I responded to everytime you tried to open up and gave me something. It was most unfortunate, but they happened. I wish you would forgive and forget those episodes.

I kept feeling that I had to tell you something, everything, only then you would have given a bit of your words. I wasn't even asking for you to reveal your emotions or feelings, even a talk about how you were, and what was the weather like, could have been a good place to start. You would have seen me change for the better, with every word you gave me.

And I wanted to tell you everything. Everything. All that came to pass. Only if you had asked. I feel you waited for me to tell you everything, and only then if you considered me good enough, you would have initiated conversation. And I wished for you to give me something, and I would have hidden nothing. I really believed that this would come together at some point. I did not want to break this game of pretend that we were playing, for the sake of this selfishness of mine to maintain that beauty of the connection.

Now it is not possible to differentiate between reality and non-reality. So much illusion built around this connection. Honestly, I do not feel like writing to you anymore, because of the so much pain and hurt that each sentence brings up. Uncertain about what could hurt you, the reader, and what would hurt me at a later date. You do not know how many times I have gone back to the stuff I wrote, and then kicked myself over - if I shouldn't have written something, however honest it was. You have no clue of the regrets I carry every moment of my life. Because everytime I wrote to you, I feel I pushed you away.

Being in such a low feeling state, I did not feel expressing anything but pain and sorrow. And I didn't want to do that. Even though the light of joy, of hope, of soul, shines through sometimes, but it is not enough to sustain. For sustenance, feedback is needed, dear. Some correlation between action and its outcome. I can only keep projecting the best, the most positive, for so long. Two years of dealing with doubt, with dilemma, is too much. One cannot remain in that state, without going crazy.

Tell me, how do I give you affection and have you reciprocate, when I cannot even give love to myself, in the state that I am in. Tell me, how do I tell you anything, that is grounded in goodness and love, and commit. Even though I know at the deepest core of me, that to get to your heart and to be with you, is the one reason I was born for in this life. However, I wish I could back these words with action.

I want to tell you that I would come for you, when the time is right. That you are the only one I want. That there is none other in this world that compares with you. That you are the means and the end. That my only desire is to be with you, to share happiness with you. I tell you all that without even a sheer amount of doubt. I have healed enough to tell you that I will come for you. I won't care what you are doing, whether you reject me, however many obstacles come in between, however long and winding the path is to you.

Mate, even though I don't really know how you feel at this point of time - and it is not that I don't care about it, but the kind of experiences I have had, and how extremely difficult and heart-wrenching it has been to bring this together, only reinforces in me how important this must be, that so many forces were working against us, and so many are helping us. I will come to you, get to you, whatever than means to you. I know who you are and you are all I want.