Could you please help me construct a sentence that will let you know on how much I want to be with you? And while I don't know the form of relationship that would work out for you and me, I do know that we will build something together in this life.
Yesterday was the first shower of the monsoon season at my place. Rain and clouds and thunder and lightning - these are some of my favorite things. It brought healing to me - rain does that to me. My mind had become so clean and clear, so wet with ideas. When I got up this morning, I wanted to tell you so much. It was so obvious, which is why I was in such a jolly mood.
And I sit here unable to connect my feeling with thoughts with words and phrases and sentences with what I type here. I have been sitting here for quite some time and the page is still blank. And there is so much to tell. I am sorry I just cannot write.
Feeling ashamed and defeated again, I feel like wanting to tell you everytime to not come back here, but lose out on the courage to do so. Every time I do like this, I know that I break your confidence in me, and my confidence in myself.
This is not out of lack of respect or lack of sensitivity to what you are going through that I am not writing anything. Even though you have gone beyond my limits of comprehension of how much one person could go through, and I can no longer relate with you on that. I am really sorry, that I am unable to explain something so nuanced and divine, in a space of few sentences.
I know that there is a huge gap between my intentions, my actions and my words. I really did have everything in my head - so clearly. Not anymore. I am sorry that I am not being useful at all. I don't know if you even like me anymore, or if you hate me. I don't know what you want, what you are really going through, or what I could do here to ease us into harmony.
I want to tell you, again, that I went through so much in my life, so much trauma and challenges, just to be with you, so that I can be with only you. The thought of not being with you, is so disheartening and disempowering. I don't want to tell you this, knowing that it threatens the boundaries between us - but I don't have much to work with here. Only this knowledge.
I don't want to give hope to either of us that I will complete writing by this weekend. I no longer work with hope anymore. It is better to be hopeless now. And work with what is. I could tell you exactly why I am unable to write anything to you anymore, but that is not useful knowledge.
How do I tell you what I want to tell you, with so much desperation. To help us both realize that we care about each other a lot. That while our love languages may be different, it comes from the same intention. I know you, I really do.
All the power is with you, within you. You have the free will to change this. I have almost never expected you to respond to my emails or messages, I know you will out of your own desire and understanding. And while I do request you to reply, I don't expect you to or ever have. I have much respect and affection for you in me, that I would like to share with you.