Thank you for telling me everything by saying nothing. Graceful and kind yet a bit unfair. Would you not give me a few words that tell me something - was any of it real or was it an illusion? I have lost the ability to differentiate between reality and non-reality - the boundaries have dissolved.
Unfortunately, or fortunately how one has experienced this existence, I know too much. Too much to not feel the pain. Too much to not understand what is the right action to take - morally and spiritually. How do I take any action when I cannot understand and take responsibility for the consequences of my actions. I fear being completely honest, as I cannot forsee the harm even truth can do. I want to come to you without fear, so that without fear you can see me.
Even with all the knowledge I could not change anything. Almost made me feel as though it was not meant to be. The more I tried to make things right the worse it got, more complex each time with each attempt. With each word I put here, I feel as though I push you away.
And my ego keeps on getting more power, contrary to - what I was hoping for, what was necessary and what I wanted. With each night I went to sleep contemplating what to tell you to make this possible, but not able to put any words in writing each morning. Almost two years.
You went through so much - long hurtful periods of waiting and constant discomfort of uncertainity. Not knowing where we stand with each other. I cannot even apologize, for the words matter no more. The trust is not there. What meaning do the words hold? They are empty. No use of words that have been said so many times but still they bring no change in the situation, in the distance between us.
Too much has been said already - and not the right things. There isn't any chance to bring this back to something beautiful, is there? A lot of damage. You may have moved on, I am still stuck in the past - making feeble attempts at fixing things, understanding what went wrong.
Even with this understanding, it seems it is too late. As though we are stuck trying to solve the P=<>NP problem, only to discover all the NP-complete problem statements that are equivalent but never coming anywhere close to solving the original problem.
I have exhausted most of my energy. Yet still have not given up. I have destroyed myself completely yet something in me still remains. Wanting to fight for this. How stubborn and egoistic this is. I must be crazy to still keep pestering the divine and the Universe with my
However, I want to sleep, for a change, without worrying about what I could write so that you would reply, so that you would drop your guard and give me a little energy of yours, so that you would help me get out of this black-hole of knowledge. Not many words are needed - even two or three would do.