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What I do not tell her is how much I still want to be with her, even though coming to see more clearly everyday all that happened, even though i can see many things from before and beyond, and all the while still maintaining the hurt from everything - i don't know why, i am crazy, that i still want to be with her.

I don't know and cannot understand what it will bring, this togetherness, or why I crave it so much that i allowed the idea to take over my life so that no other idea could take root. I didn't even have any experience of being with anyone, and yet the idea grew in me, so strong its grip on my ego.

This game, even though i figure it out, i feel not wanting to play. It feels as an insane a way to get to the ultimate reality. Where is the fun to play the game one oneself created? Clever design though.

I don't feel connected to myself and this is why it is difficult to navigate these waters. And all the knowledge of the world is not enough to carry one from this shore to the other. The connection to self is the only requirement (adhikar?). I have to see her once again to get out of this cage and connect back. Will she see me?