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From Koham
Revision as of 15:54, 22 January 2023 by Koham (talk | contribs) (Breathe)
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It feels a bit weird to send a message in such an abrupt and direct manner, as though completely disconnected from the reality of things. This is my current state. I am moving towards reality from non-reality, currently hanging around the non-reality side of the spectrum. My language seems broken and so does the organization of my thoughts. It will be fixed.

The vastness and the beauty of this existence is unimaginable. There are moments of quiet desperation that cling to me because of how powerless I had been feeling, emotinally shutdown, feeling so betrayed and unable to trust, full of fears and doubts. I feel fragmented into many selves and the larger idea is to bring all those fragments into three well-defined partitions.

I am already few days into this journey, and have only reached out when I could give some direction and a inflection point to this connection. There is much to communicate, and without causing violence. It is quite a shame that I cannot write in stone that this will not hurt at any stage. I cannot forsee the impact of my words.

And therefore I will come up with a way to keep all information containerized, without losing the fidelity of it. I am still not sure what I will write here, because the potentials change based on the way the message is received. However, until now, I have not led one astray. We did experience pain and hurt and all the blues and the emotional ups-and-downs, the longings and the confusion.

I am not turning my back towards the connection rather keeping distance while coming back to life. I am uncertain how this message is going to effect us. Silence is the best really. I really dislike that I have to use words, so many and meaningless entities, to achieve what should be won by actions alone.

However, there is such a fine line between good and evil. I have fears around this subject. I still haven't completed my lessons. And this has been a bit too much. Really too much. I never anticipated things to go this wrong, for so long. I knew it would be big but certainly not so enormous and so indescribable.

About the thing about pregnancy, I am not attending to it with a casual manner. Rather, I found this semantically significant event and the resemblance to be of sincere and spiritually meaningful consequence. I really hope it is not offending or seriously mistaken. I am quite sorry to break this out in such simple plain words, almost using this as as ransom to hold us back. This is not so. Believe me. I wouldn't joke about such a thing.

I understand that the gestation period in the physical world is nine months and nine days. I know one has been bearing this much longer than that and without any support or evidence of such from my side. In the light of which I request to just wait for a little longer. I may not know what I am doing, but I am starting to receive help and other resources.

Again, it is a shame that I am writing in such a unemotinal and cutting manner. Also, I wish I could write any better, talk about more things that matter. There is so much to do and so little time. It is such a strange underlying feeling of being stuck in a phase of time, not able to unattach from it and move ahead towards creating the reality one has been desiring for a long long time.

I will also be experimenting with the design of this space. I intend to match it up with the architecture that will soothe interaction and creativity. Am I using big words and promising? I don't know what qualifies as daydreaming and what could be imagined into reality.

I will give this one last fight, however this time going with the flow. Maybe I will learn. I do not want to give guarantees and raise expectation here, please. However, the separation will end. May these words not deepen the chasm between us.