You know? - the Indian classical music is quite extemporaneous when it comes to the performance of a raga. There are definite patterns to the music, however the interpretation and performance of that raga, depends entirely on how the first note is struck. And how the first note is struck comes from the subjectivity of musician, who takes into account the energy of the audience.
I want to write something in the main page before you come see an empty page and turn away. Don't turn away, please. I have been up all night wanting to come with a starting point to this, but cannot. How do you start something like this? - definitely not like a thesis! But unfortunately, I am still not able to contain away the drama (and that is because I do not want to divulge too much of my emotions right away). This is why I use the classical music meta-analogy to save myself here.
My language and semantics is still quite broken, and the only way I am able to write anything is as a stream of consciousness. If I deliberately think and write, then I am not able to write anything. Or I start creating stuff that is just out-of-bounds convoluted. It is only yesterday that I could come out of the negative space I had been in. That space of anger, pessimism, resentment, sadness, despair, envy, hurt - all sorts of emotions that qualify the dark side. I could not have published anything from that space.
I am sorry about the email. I am sorry if I made you worried about me. I am ashamed that I begged you to stay. I am sorry that I could not and did not update you with a message, to tell you how I am doing, or what actions I intended to take. I could not. I was not in the headspace to write anything to anyone. I was much in conflict within myself over what to do. The core problem still remains, and the indecision comes from that.
I did write a lot of things, but all of them had so much sadness and resentment, so many hurtful sentences. I wrote and deleted so many times - on paper, in my head - so many drafts. It is all about timing. If you had made those updates two dates back, I would have shouted out in anger and grief. I would have tried to hurt you, with words and energies - unconsciously, of course. (I went with the instruction of master Yoda and stopped trying to hurt you and choosed not to. (I could not wish you on May, the fourth)).
Whenever I would write something to begin with, all I could think of was Neruda's song of despair - it kept hovering over my head. "Tonight I will write the saddest lines" - this entire piece resonated deeply with how I was feeling until yesterday. I could not have written anything better, only had to copy-paste that poem here. This is how much of a pessimist I had become. I did not have much hope that I would ever come out of it, and be able to write anything to you.
There were other reasons as well for not being able to write here - of that of regret minimization. I had become hopless, totally hopeless that this could ever come back together. Hopeless that we would ever be able to reconcile. And I did not want to open up myself, for more wounds. There is a line in the novel, Catcher in the Rye, which goes something like this (from memory) - "Don't ever tell anybody anything, if you do you start missing them". I already miss you deeply, having told you much about myself - in hindsight, I should not have done that.
Now it come backs and hurts. I had never told anybody anything before. You don't know how it feels. I have so many regrets, and the weight of it was too much to carry for life. Maybe for lifetimes after lifetimes. I could have done so much more, so much better. Though I believe you could have also done so much more, some things differently.
I feared for myself, considering the way things are, the manner I have behaved, the direction our lives have taken - I am afraid that I would never see you again, or hear from you again. That you would just leave, after getting hurt, quite a lot and lot many times. I don't know if that would be the scenario now and in future. I just don't want us to waste anymore time or get hurt.
However, the point remains that I will not give up on this connection. Please tell me, how can I not have adoration and admiration in me for you, after all that happened and how you persevered. You have displayed immence patience, and strength. I find in me deepest respect for you, and it is only from that space that I am writing this.
I no longer remember your face, nor your smile, have no idea how you look, and I haven't visited your eyes in quite a while. I haven't talked to you in ages, hadn't really talked to you much anyway. Yet, I feel so connected to you, even now. With unwavering intensity. I wanted to wish you on the Solar new year. Only to end everything. This is hurting us both. Too much, for too long. There is a reason for all this.
It had been quite confusing for me to ascertain what had been going on behind the semantic veil - whether you carried a smile or a smirk. Lots of doubts and mixed messages kept coming. The human intellect does not do so well with doubts. Even though I wanted to, I could not take that leap of faith. It takes a lot of courage to go into the uncertain, when one's willpower has been trampled over so many times.
Look, this is what I did not want to tell you directly, without using so many words - without you, I am a zombie. There is no one else, nor will there ever be. You are the only one. You hold the compass for my efforts and work. You hold the key to my Self.
I do not like opening up like this because I feel robbed of my most treasured feelings. I do not get back anything from you, it robs me of the drive to come towards you. And not getting the appropriate signals for my efforts, just trains my neural networks, to no longer write anything to you, because it simply brings hurt and pain for both of us, and lots of confusion. I do not want to write to you like this. Something must change.
And I want to change. To transform. To become what you envisioned me to be, and better. What I envision for myself, so that I can be with you, match you in every step. But how can I do that when that template is removed from me. How do I get anywhere near close to you, if you have protected yourself in a fortress.
What are you seeking protection from? What do you fear? O niranjana, I would not let a blemish come to you. Why do you fear my advances so much? Over written text - it is not that we are meeting physically. Your single word, written or said, can give me so much energy - to move mountains. To move myself, really (I am in a deep slumber, like an old mountain).
Please give me some energy of yours. You will see me transform within one conversation. With every conversation, you will find me becoming more stable, commited, reliable, strong. This is how it works. And I cannot do anything unless you give me your words, your voice, your something tangible. Please talk. Please stop hiding behind that semantic veil, and show yourself clearly. Let me see and be responsible for doing the right thing. Let me get a glimpse of you, so that I can reenergize myself and work my efforts towards you and your happiness.
You have occupied my mind and heart, be responsible for that space. I cannot force a flower to bloom. I cannot force you against your wishes or wants. I know that we built a house of illusions, and had been living in it. However, let us please manifest this into reality. Help me by giving me something tangible to work with. Part yourself with something personal, so that I can take it in me, and transmute that into the drive and motivation that I much need.
I know I wrote too much. And without proofreading. If there are mistakes, please forgive. If I offend you in some way, please forgive.